I see apps, filters, programs etc. that apply movement and additional elements to photos and they are beginning to look so real that one day we won’t know which is the illusion. If we continue down the path of such a reality, we will be following the lies that are breadcrumbs tempting us to hold onto the falsity. We’ve gone so far down that rabbit hole that we barely see the light some days. I have been aware of this illusory nature of “reality” for many years but it’s so much stronger now. Our holographic existence is clear. I have been in SecondLife, played computer RPG’s, see the computer graphics in movies and it all shouts to me that none of this is real. It’s time to get to the truth and it’s not what we’ve built, it’s our ability to build it, dismantle it, alter it, build it again differently.  I am so aware that life is all just one vast green screen and we’re making one hell of a movie.

I am disappointed in myself for buying so heavily into the construct. I was a good child, a good student, and a good employee. I learned consummately how to live in the illusion. I excel at seeing patterns and I apply logic with surgical skill. I have relied on reason and rule for so much of my life. Always my existence has been a balancing act of the rule follower and the esoteric outsider. I know the truth and I dream of reaching it but how can I tap into my higher self and trust the power of creation when I am locked into the game that was set up for me? All this time trying to control with the wrong tools. The proper tool is surrender but I sometimes wonder if that’s even in my arsenal. If I can surrender, love will take care of the rest. I will stop resisting the Divine and be able to raise my vibration to meet myself.

I sometimes feel as if I wanted to truly test myself this time around and that I came here with a set of conditions that were designed to make my rise more difficult. I see so many in the younger generations that are tapping right in and it’s more natural for them. I understand that the way was paved by those that came before and that all efforts keep leveling us up. I know I came here to make the way easier for others. I know that my challenges are completely worth it. What I do is necessary for us all and as I dig deep and breathe and begin to let everything flow like water, it gets easier for me as well. I need to continue to tear down the concrete walls and breach the dam. I am not here for personal reward, I am here for collective gain but I still feel left behind on occasion because I hear about downloads and light codes and I’m still standing on the sidelines, waiting to be chosen for the team. I have to remember that everything I do has value, every step on my chosen path is getting us there. What I achieve is what I came here to achieve. My work is not the same as someone else’s and it’s time to stop comparing myself to others. I am exactly where I need to be and when I remove the filters, I see the star of hope that I am and resolve, again, to be of service to the collective. How I choose to address the challenges is the way through.

Temporal Folds

The circularity of life becomes more prominent as the years pass. I have seen the spiral of my existence spin back upon itself time and again and there is no denying the repetition of the lessons. They come, they go, they come again and I wonder, am I getting any better at the game? All these years and I feel like the journey is just beginning and I don’t want to start over from ground zero. I find it difficult to see the progress I know I must have made. I’m still looking upward, reaching for the stars, but they are ever in the distance. I am a woman of a certain age and time is tying me up inside. I know there are parts of my life that must die but I thought they would make themselves obvious. Instead, I am charged with the task of flushing them out and I came unprepared to swim in my emotions. My memories are slippery fish that have remained in the depths for decades. I know I came to do the work, so I will press on. Challenges accepted, hopefully overcome, no matter how many times they revisit me, for revisit me they shall. Sword and shield at the ready.

A Tired Mind, a Soul to Find

Time keeps moving on me but with all my inactivity, I feel as though I’ve been standing still for years. Tiring it is, to struggle with stasis. How can doing so little feel like cresting mountains? It must be inner work I’m performing, a dark, secret battle within my own mind. For the past couple of years, it’s felt like I was losing, slipping away into obscurity where no one would know or remember me. I don’t think that bothers me either, because I know I am infinite and that only my own view of my situation is the one that matters. My mind is strong, capable and at the ready for whatever it needs to accomplish but which mind am I using? Ego tells me lies and I’m trying not to listen anymore. The world is wrong, it’s not reality, it’s just what I perceive and what I believe. Ego wants to drive but ego cannot really see. So I want to put ego to sleep. She’s overworked, stressed out and afraid of everything. She’s tired and she needs to take a back seat. So deep I go, inside, my soul to find. She’s there, she’s bright, brings truth to light and if I trust and let things be, I’ll find there’s so much possibility and that will shake me up and set me free.

Dark is the beginning, slow the ascent

We begin somewhere and then we rise, moving through situation after situation, overcoming obstacle after obstacle. Defining life through events no longer serves me. I am not my history, although most would claim we are so shaped by our past circumstances and situations, and I seek to look ahead and not behind. Limitations locked in time, most of my memories hold little charm and while I know they cannot harm me, I will not be a prisoner to my past.

The decades of my life have moved like the scenes from a window on a train speeding to it’s destination. They blur and distort, becoming fragments of a dream I once remembered but cannot now put the pieces to and finally, FINALLY, I do not care for that was never me.