Time keeps moving on me but with all my inactivity, I feel as though I’ve been standing still for years. Tiring it is, to struggle with stasis. How can doing so little feel like cresting mountains? It must be inner work I’m performing, a dark, secret battle within my own mind. For the past couple of years, it’s felt like I was losing, slipping away into obscurity where no one would know or remember me. I don’t think that bothers me either, because I know I am infinite and that only my own view of my situation is the one that matters. My mind is strong, capable and at the ready for whatever it needs to accomplish but which mind am I using? Ego tells me lies and I’m trying not to listen anymore. The world is wrong, it’s not reality, it’s just what I perceive and what I believe. Ego wants to drive but ego cannot really see. So I want to put ego to sleep. She’s overworked, stressed out and afraid of everything. She’s tired and she needs to take a back seat. So deep I go, inside, my soul to find. She’s there, she’s bright, brings truth to light and if I trust and let things be, I’ll find there’s so much possibility and that will shake me up and set me free.
We begin somewhere and then we rise, moving through situation after situation, overcoming obstacle after obstacle. Defining life through events no longer serves me. I am not my history, although most would claim we are so shaped by our past circumstances and situations, and I seek to look ahead and not behind. Limitations locked in time, most of my memories hold little charm and while I know they cannot harm me, I will not be a prisoner to my past.
The decades of my life have moved like the scenes from a window on a train speeding to it’s destination. They blur and distort, becoming fragments of a dream I once remembered but cannot now put the pieces to and finally, FINALLY, I do not care for that was never me.